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As for your partner’s assertion, yes - you may have sent angry emails or yelled or slammed doors or called names. What can make it even more difficult for you to see and understand at this point is that some of their abuse may be subtle and covert rather than obvious and overt.

This causes further difficulty for you in identifying the abuse - and makes it easier for your abuser to convince you that it’s all your fault, or the problem is really with YOU - that you’re “crazy”, or “imagining things”.

It's about power and control, and my almost-ex still does it. So many terms to describe things but it all boils down to the fact that we aren't ALLOWED to say that some people are born without a conscience and therefore cannot feel love, empathy, disgust or shame. Robert Hare says something like they know the words but not the music. This article described perfectly and to a "T" my 24 year relationship with my ex NH. He still tells people that I'm an abuser and I have rage problems when clearly it was HIM. I made many mistakes with my X, including being unfaithful, slapping him, and throwing things. For 5 yrs I had been in a relationship with a man who very cleverly and covertly manipulated and abused me. the problem is not so much with men as it is with people who cannot control their agression. it's not men or women just the society in general who promotes sexual imbalance and bending. They say I nagged him, i talked down to him and i was stubborn.

He did tell me that I was abusive, he said it like a threat, like he was going to turn me in to someone. My problem is that no matter how much reading I do on this, I still always take him back. Only a matter of weeks ago I discovered he was sleeping with his ex ,a woman he had put through the ringer before me. I showed up at a bar where he plays pool to have words...was a gift to him he was the victim of this unreasonable woman. If I remotely look sideways I am hit with everything and more that you have said. He just recently left me while I was 6 months pregnant for his best friends ex. We were tickling each other and playing....."honeymoon" phase once again. Im 7 months now...says he will take my child..saying I am mentally unfit to be a mother...thank you for writing this article..really helped me see what things are.

I believed it for a LONG time before I began to recognize and question the pattern of abuse and the subsequent constant blame for the abuse, and worse, the ensuing mockery because I dared respond at all to having been hurt by it.